Finding My Father: A Journey of Gratitude, Healing, and Letting Go of Idols"

When I woke up this morning, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude. I had the opportunity to travel to North Carolina this week and spend a few days with my paternal biological family. Little did I know, this trip would bring so much peace to my mental well-being and bring much-needed solace to my heart.

Can I be transparent with ya'll?

When the pandemic hit, I like most of us, was overjoyed to be home. I immediately began binge watching every show that I had missed, spending time with God, organizing things in my home, and making some memories with my family. The other thing I did, that most of you probably were not doing, was dive head first into the search to find my biological father. It was a search that I had been on for 10 plus years, but this was the first time that I had a ton of time on my hands to really dig in. I would stay up until the sun was coming up researching on Ancestry.com, 23andMe.com, the white-pages, social media, and any other site I could find that held historical or ancestral information. I was sending messages, emails, ect, trying to uncover just one clue that could unlock a door about who this man that assisted in creating me was. It was beginning to overtake my mind and before I knew it, this search, this desire of my heart, became an idol. I didn't realize that I had made it an idol, while I was in it though, it felt harmless.

I remember one day I was headed to my hometown of Bridgeport, CT and I heard the Lord ask me loud and clear, "If I don't give you this desire of your heart, will you still serve me?" I quickly answered, "Yes!", but I knew that deep down in my soul, I would be heart broken. Why did I think that my heavenly Father didn't know that, as if I was hiding something from him? I laugh at myself now, but isn't that so real? Like, why do we think we are hiding things from God, as if the one who created us to serve and glorify him, doesn't know our deepest thoughts?

I digress.

Just a short months later, just as I was getting used to the idea that the greatest desire of my heart, would become a thorn that I would have to learn to live with, [ Read 2 Corinthians 12:7–10 for more context on the thorn] God opened a door. I received a clue that led me to the name and the origin of my biological father. That one clue unlocked every other door and before I knew it, my genealogist was calling me with the words that I had longed to hear, "Sana, I found your family."

Finally, God had answered my prayers. He hadn't forgotten about me. I remember saying to God, "Thank You. I am complete, my story is finished." Ha! boy was that a joke. How does the saying go, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans?" Yeah, he must have been rolling on the floor until tears fell from his eyes laughing at me and my dumb self prophesy. As I was beginning to get to know my new found family, the calendar year went from 2020 to 2021 and my life was about to be turned upside down. Most of you know what happened in 2021, those that don't, feel free to check out some of my old blog posts.

In February of 2021, after the initial excitement began to wear off about finding my family. The realization that yes, God had finally answered my prayer, but I wasn't fulfilled the way I thought I would be. My heart didn't immediately heal, and the unhappy areas in my life were not suddenly all happy. While I now had my family, I still didn't have my father. He passed in the late 90's, a time long before I had even conceived his existence as a thought. This hard truth left me with an even harder one, I was still fatherless, and my heart was still hurting.

I have worked hard at understanding that 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭, 𝐢𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝. What does that mean?

I thought that the answer of this prayer would fix me, it would fulfill me. I made it an idol, and God gave me what I asked for, yet, what I didn't know, was that what I wanted, no longer existed. 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐀 𝐟𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫, 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝𝐞𝐝 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫. Whewwww, that stung.

What are asking God for, that you may have subconsciously made into an idol, that thing that you want, but really don't need, yet? You know, a husband, a child, that job....

All I truly needed was to stop allowing God to just be my friend, and let him BE my father, my daddy. Ya'll when I wrapped my mind around that simple, yet powerful truth, it shifted the entire last year of my life. It allowed me to call my daddy when my heart was hurting, or when I needed protection, or when I was overwhelmed. I began to lean on my father, and this daughter has not looked back.

Everyday is not easy. Yesterday I had this yearning to hear my physical fathers voice, his laugh. I found myself wondering if him knowing of me would have changed his lifestyle, would I have had him wrapped around my finger as his only daughter, but I had to force my mind to come back from that rabbit hole because that is how the enemy distracts you from all the great things that are right in front of your face.

In front of my face is the amazing gifts that my father left behind. Two older brothers, five of his living siblings and their amazing spouses, a host of cousins, and so much more extended family that has welcomed me into their family with open arms. I get to come to North Carolina every few months and be loved on as if I am a child again. 𝐈 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞. 𝐈 𝐚𝐦 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐝 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞. 𝐈 𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞.