When storms produce Rainbows

You know, God has a way of reminding you that he is in control of everything. I think sometimes we start getting too comfortable and think that we are the ones running things down here on this here earth, but then God jolts you right up out of that thinking real quick. I imagine him saying, “Now who exactly do you think YOU are?”, and then him also responding with a harsh, “Nobody, because apart from me, you are nothing.”. It sobers me up real quick, but in the small possibility that is doesn’t, he can show you better than he can tell you, and that my dear hearts, is what he did to me.

Ya’ll know that me and control have been involved in an intense tussle my entire life (fostercare problems) and I thought that after the car accident, I had thrown in the towel and forfeited the fight, but in the last six months I found myself creeping back into the ring. It happened subtly and it honestly was fueled by anxiety. So, like a good father, God was like, let me snatch my daughter back before she puts them gloves back on and steps into that ring again.

One thing I know for sure now, is that the enemy has a strategy to steal, kill and destroy you. He is no dummy. He comes for what is most important to you, dare I say, that thing that you may have even made an idol? Ouch!

Welp, that thing for me is absolutely without a doubt my family. Family has been the thing that, besides shame, I struggled with the most. I essentially have six branches of family, foster family, adopted family, bio maternal family, bio paternal family, in laws, and then my immediate family that Josh and I are building. Thats a lot of family huh? What would you think if I said that with all those branches, I have consistently struggled with feeling like the apple that fell far from the tree? I just never felt like I belonged on any branch, and ya’ll honestly, it isn’t necessarily anything that they have done, it’s just my own trauma based on the life that I was created to live. Yet, what I have desired more than anything (outside of having my mother and father being alive) is to have a happy, healthy, family. The problem with that is that I have parented my own kids based on the trauma I am trying to heal from, which then creates an unhealthy environment for my children that traumatizes them.

Lord, this is just too much.

Yet, God said, I hear your prayers and because you are my daughter, I will give you the desires of your heart. A family of your own.

So, in February of 2023, our grandson Syer Amil was born. I wasn’t ready. I heard ya’ll talking about how the love for a grandchild hits different, but I had no clue what I was in for. That little boy has become my world. I didn’t realize that God would use him to help heal parts of my broken heart that was yearning to experience the type of love that I honestly don’t have the language to describe. Every day that he is with me, I get to support and teach my son how to be a better parent to his child, than I was able to be for him.

Ministry begins at home.

Out of nowhere, on March 14th, I receive a message asking if I was available for a call with the producers of the Jennifer Hudson show. That call turned into three more calls within 24 hours and then Joshua and I hopping on a flight to California within 48 hours. It was a whirlwind experience and I don’t think till this very day, have I processed it. It quickly became a distant memory. Mannn I tell you, the effects of trauma are long lasting.

As soon as I returned home, the Lord began to prepare me for something(s) that was coming. I am a feeler, so the way God speaks to me is not always audible, it comes through my body, my emotions, my spirit. I couldn’t put into words what was coming, because he didn’t show me that, he just allowed me to feel that what was coming was going to be big, heavy, hard. I was going to be okay, but it was going to be a major hit and shift. I knew that what was coming wasn’t going to be “good”, because I could hardly breathe for about two weeks. I felt like I was suffocating. For reference, click this link to watch a video I recorded on April 5, 2024, in my car because I needed to document what I knew the Lord was allowing me to feel.

About three weeks after we returned from California, and one week after I recorded this video, we unexpectedly lost my brother in law, Josh’s older brother. It was devastating. Just two years prior we had lost the oldest brother and now the middle brother. It felt like our family couldn’t catch a break or even catch our breath.

Literally hours after receiving the news of my brother in laws passing, we received news of my grandmother’s passing. I sat there for a minute looking up towards heaven extremely confused. God, what are you doing? What are you saying? What am I missing? I stood between two branches, feeling a flood of emotions, and knowing that the only thing this apple could do was trust God and refocus so I could be there for both branches the best I could.

By God’s grace we got to the other-side of those losses and began the long road of grieving. We are still very much on that road trying to navigate all of the speed bumps and unexpected curves.

Ministry starts at home.

Breathe Sana.

After we crossed to the grieving side of loss, I wholeheartedly expected God to let up on your girl. At least for a few months. But ya’ll, that is not the blueprint of my life. It just doesn’t work like that. Never has and I am convinced, never will.

So here I am in May, minding my business and not drinking water because I hate water. The end of the school year is coming quickly and I am beyond ready, because it has been a tough year with my daughter as a high school sophomore. I was straight up struggling as her mom. I wanted her to be everything I never had the opportunity to be, and she wanted me to accept her being who she is. I wanted her to listen to my wisdom and she wanted to challenge my perceived wisdom. I wanted her to be grateful for everything I sacrificed for her, and she wanted me to stop making sacrifices for things she didn’t ask of me. Ya’ll I felt like I was on a seesaw that could never find balance. We were bumping heads left and right, and honestly we loved each-other but we did not like each-other.

So when I was awakened out of my sleep at 6:40am one day to my phone ringing and her schools number on the screen, I knew there wasn’t going to be anything good coming through the speaker of my phone.

20 minutes later my husband and I found ourselves sitting in the nurses office with our daughter in tears finding out that she, our 16 year old daughter was pregnant.

Devastated.

Crushed.

I looked across the room at my husband standing behind the door of the office in complete silence and then down to lap where my daughter was weeping and felt like things were moving in slow motion.

I slowly snapped out of what felt like a complete pause in my reality and immediately jumped into action. I got my daughter together, wiped her eyes, told her that I would not allow her to walk out of that office in shame, so pick your head up and let’s go home.

We walked out of that office and I walked into the exact plot of the enemy that I told my daughter to fight…shame.

This was NOT happening. This was absolutely NOT my reality. I thought I was the generational curse breaker in my family, how in the world, is my daughter, 16 and pregnant.

How?

Josh and I walked into what has become our war room (our bedroom, we definitely have to talk about why we need to protect the sacred space of our bedrooms as married Christians in another post, but not today ya’ll 🤦🏽‍♀️) looked at each-other and said, “she is definitely getting an abortion asap”. I proceeded to contact planned parenthood and make the appointment. Because ain’t no way we were about to allow our 16 year old to have a baby.

This decision to create the will, or our will, for her life became a nightmare. When we told her what was about to happen, Sana, I mean Janai, looked us in our face and told us that she was not getting an abortion. We looked right back at her and told her, then you will need to find somewhere else to live, because our home is not an option.

We watched our daughter cry for the next few weeks. We watched her not eat for days and quickly dwindled down to the smallest we had ever seen her. Meanwhile in the war room, we weren’t sleeping, we weren’t speaking, and we certainly weren’t praying. Praying?? Ya’ll I was worn out. I was angry with God. I was ready to throw in the towel and let it all go. Christian who, what, where?

Finally in week three, after quite a few family conversations that had blown up, I got on my face. Because when you finally come to the end of yourself, you get desperate for God to be who he has always been to you. A Father. A protector. A provider. A friend. A miracle worker.

I asked him, in the most desperate way, Lord, what do you want us to do?

His response was simple, “you don’t get to determine how I bring my children back to me.”

He then proceeded to whoop my behind, and then told me exactly what he wanted us to do, step by step, and the first step began with love.

When Josh came home from work that morning I began to share with him what the instructions of God were concerning this new chapter of our lives. Josh looked at me, and a tear fell from his eyes. What I didn't know, was that while I was at home on my face, he had also gone to God the night before while at work, and God told him that we are to let go of the fight and love her. So we called our daughter into the war room and we shared with her what God told us. She laid her head in my lap and burst into tears. When she looked up, she looked like a new person, immediately.

Here is what God had to deal with me on.

How can I say that I am unashamed, walk out my home every day to help foster youth, encourage and guide young mothers, and then turn my back on my own daughter?

How could I have endured the longterm damage and shame of having an abortion, and then Coerce my own daughter into having an abortion and enduring the possibility of that same shame?

I couldn’t, there was absolutely no way.

So, Josh and I decided to surrender to the God who has never left our side, while supporting our daughter.

Let’s talk about generational curses.

One of my friends said to me, Sana, if your daughter is becoming a teen mom and you were a teen mom, then how did you break the generational curse? Holy Spirit began to speak to me in that moment and when I opened my mouth, his response came forth. Maybe it will free you as a generational curse breaker who has been under the attack of the enemy.

My daughter becoming a teen mother was not the curse or cycle I was meant to break. The trauma, the lack of support, the shame, the unhealthy parenting, those are the cycles that I was meant to break. When I became a teen mother, I had no support. None. I had to figure it out on my own, while facing some major medical issues due to my pregnancy and my bio mother dying when I was 6 months pregnant before I had a chance to see her. There was no baby shower, I was living house to house, I was alone and I was scared. What God is allowing Joshua and I to create for Janai is the exact opposite of my experience and through it, I am experiencing another level of healing.

The relationship between my daughter and I has gone through a complete 360 and we have become best friends. Why, because she feels supported, loved, and free to be herself.

I am not by any means glorifying teen pregnancy, but I am glorifying what God can do when we step out of his way and allow him to be who he is and do, what only he can do.

Why am I sharing this with you?

Because as a person who is considered a leader, an one who values integrity, I would never consider not being exactly who I POST to be. It is my responsibility to be completely transparent as I walk this journey of life. Just because I proclaim the name of Jesus and am a Christian, I am not exempt from the trials of life. My life is not one without hardships and storms. I am tested on a continual basis, and I am human just like you, and guess what? God STILL loves me, and my daughter, just like he loves you and yours. If there is any other mother’s living in shame because of the decisions your child has made or embarrassed by the consequences of their actions, you don’t have to be. Come out from the shadows of shame and lift your head up. God is still in control and it ain’t over yet.

I will be sharing more of my journey as I continue to support my daughter and allow God to heal my heart, but for now, be encouraged in these unashamed streets. 💜