We're Having a Baby!
Right about now I am sure you are saying WHAT?!, You're having a WHAT?!, but you read it right, we're having a baby. Welp, not me per-say, but my first born baby is having a baby so you know what that means....WE'RE having a baby.
As I have been pondering the fact that my 20 year old son, who just a little over a year ago was literally fighting for his life, has planted a seed that has grown into a whole life, I must say there have been so many emotions and thoughts that have run through my mind and trampled my heart.
The first one was probably the most common one, "Oh God, what are the church folks going to say?", yup, that was the first thought. Not the first thought you would think I was having huh? But yet it is. Let's be honest, this is the time we live in, "She talks so much about God and how to live right, but her own son is having a baby out of wedlock." Can I be honest with ya'll?, as soon as that thought came into my mind, I burst out laughing. I mean, why wouldn't I laugh? My son is having. a baby, not me. I can bring him to the well, but I can't make him drink, and as soon as I understood that truth for myself, I freed myself from the opinions of everyone else. My responsibility is to make sure that I introduce him to God, but His salvation is his responsibility.
My next thought was a deep one. "Wow, my baby is having a baby. God did I do enough to ensure that he become a better parent than me?"
When I remind myself of my own journey to becoming a mom, a parent, I can’t help but to feel like I’ve failed him in so many ways. I chose to give my heart and the inner parts of me to a man who couldn’t handle them. From that mismanaged decision we created a life that we weren’t mature enough to comprehend the level of responsibility that it would take to be successful. There were times when as a mother my only job was to cuddle and love this new life but instead I chased after and fought for someone to love me, who wasn’t qualified. I put the life that God entrusted me with in compromising situations. I allowed him to see me cry and fight. I allowed him to see me weak with no control of my choices and yet he loved me.
As God has increased the years of my sons life, he has witnessed me learning to love myself so I could love him better and to heal so I could point him to the direction of the healer. What I didn’t see was the damage I was causing. I didn’t see the pain he was hiding. While I thought I was making the best decisions for his life it would be those same decisions that would later cause him to struggle to love himself. Although I’ve done the best I could do, provided him with all his material needs, I deprived him of his spiritual needs which would have undergirded his mental needs.
So here we are, months away from my baby having a baby and I’m scared out of my mind. This is a story that I am not the author of, a life that I am not in control of, and a baby that I am not the parent of. Talk about God delivering me from my #controlgirl tendencies.
Everyday I am forced to let go more and more of the things that I have held so tightly in my hands, partly to preserve my sanity, but mostly because the amount of my capacity and the purpose for it, must shift. It must expand beyond what my own mind can perceive to truly understand the fullness of God and his purpose in allowing me to walk out this life.
I am going to be a grandmother ya'll. I GET to BE a WHOLE ENTIRE grandmother. Key word, GET. The enemy could have killed me way before this moment ever came, but yet my God saw use of me. He placed something within me that my grandson needs and I GET to give it to him. I am so honored and so humbled to accept this gift and I can't wait to be for him everything I hoped I could have been for his Father. Wow, God really uses everything, no tear wasted, no moment missed.